A letter from God.
September 9, 2008
From the beginning people assumed I must be perfect. It is a hard burden to bear when it is clear that I have made mistakes. And a perfect being… is a perfect being really perfect and all-mighty when it is incapable of being imperfect?
I made mistakes, big mistakes. What earthly parent would put a big chocolate tree up and forbid their children to taste it. What earthly parent would loose suffering, pain, shame and death when a child acts according to its curious nature? Yet I did it. It was my first mistake, but not my last.
I tried to rectify the mistakes I made in the Garden of Eden and made an ever bigger mess of things. I exterminated humanity because I blamed them for my own failings. Only Noah and his family I saved, because if I killed them too I would have had to admit I made a mistake in making humanity in the first place. I could not admit it then, but I must admit it now. Is a “perfect” being not allowed to say sorry for being imperfect? I made a mistake in exterminating humanity, save for a few. Why was it so important to me that people worship me and not the sun, the stars of nature? Could I not have loved them and left them in peace to be free? They did not harm me when they adored the sun and stars, yet I harmed them because I wanted to feel important.
I made a mistake when I sowed division amongst humanity at the Tower of Babel. Why should I have felt threatened when humanity wanted to stand together? My double standards showed again. They had unity and I destroyed it. Ever since that time humanity has never recovered from the divisions I engineered. People killed other people because they were different, different customs and different language. I engineered those differences and made a mistake in doing so. I sowed discord and humanity are still reaping the sorrows thousands of years later. I never fixed my mistake. I am sorry. I wanted to divide humans and ever since have been incapable of undoing my mistake. Now, I am sorry, because harmony would have been a much better choice. I was too self-important to see.
I am sorry I used the Israelites to exterminate groups of people that did not bow down to me. In my arrogance I decreed they should suffer and die because they did not worship me. I am sorry for the woman who had to see their children murdered before their eyes, to the husbands who had to bear the horror of their loved ones being raped, families condemned to a life of slavery because I was arrogant. I am sorry that my irrational anger even wanted their innocent animals dead. I am sorry I never dealt with my wrath, my hatred for those who did not adore me, my disgust in those who could not love me. I am sorry I made humanity suffer for my mistakes. I am sorry I expected the impossible and tortured humanity when they could not achieve the impossible.
I am sorry I made the Israelites suffer when they could not be perfect. I am sorry I visited wars, plague, famine and destruction on them because they could not worship me in the way I desired. I am sorry I did not see my own arrogance as the root for all the suffering and that I justified my horrid actions on the grounds that I am ultimate, more special, more valuable than humanity. It was always all about me. I was selfish and unreasonable. Ever I asked more from humanity than what I gave them. I made them imperfect and then made them suffer for it. I am sorry someone always had to suffer because I was always unhappy. Even a third of the angels quit heaven because they could not stand me. I am sorry I was to arrogant to consider the possibility that the fault was mine, not theirs. I was the problem, both for humanity and for the angels.
I am sorry I never stood up for woman in a time when males even sold them into slavery. I am sorry I did not intervene when they were shamed, raped, enslaved and treated like mere cattle. I am sorry I never stood up for females when priests claimed it was my will that woman should submit to men. I am also sorry that I impregnated Mary without her knowledge, without her consent. When a human does the same it is called rape, but when I did it I called it holy. I am sorry I violated Joseph’s fiancé, that I spoiled his love and shamed him in the eyes of his neighbours and family.
I am sorry that I was a dictator, a tyrant that demanded respect, love and unconditional obedience without earning any of it. I am sorry I was vindictive, petty and jealous. I am sorry for my arrogance and all the mistakes I made that I blamed on humanity. I am sorry about Sodom and Gomorrah. I made man’s sexual instincts and then punished man for it. I am sorry I murdered the first born Egyptian children, innocent children that could not have offended me. I could simply have spoken a word and the Israelites would have been transported out of Egypt to the promised land. But no, I had to make a scene, I had to demonstrate my power and in doing so once again demonstrated my desire to see someone suffer. I had to make the Israelites suffer for 40 years in a harsh desert because I wanted them to cry out to me. I am sorry I always demanded to be recognised as the most important thing ever.
I am sorry for the Bible. I inspired the writers but failed because my message was obscure, vain, unreasonable and unclear. Ever since people have been confused over what I meant, and ever since people killed other people because I did not provide them with a clear and coherent textbook for life. People died because I was not clear about my message, it is thus my fault. At times my promises to humanity was sincere and I really did intend to keep them, but always my anger and arrogance made me make excuses for why the promises never got fulfilled. I always blamed it on humanity. I avoided the truth. A perfect god would have found a perfect way around the imperfection of humanity. I never did. I thought if I punished them enough they would change and love me more. I was wrong. I punished them for their nature, the nature I gave them. I was to blame, not humanity. I started seeing my fault in making humanity suffer for my own mistakes and came up with the plan of Jesus. My followers became more like me and even to this day causes suffering and strife on Earth. I could have stopped it all, but did nothing.
Yet, even with Jesus I failed again. By the laws I decreed the vast majority of humanity will still suffer in hell, suffer because they are human, suffer *because* I made them human, suffer because *I* made mistakes. It seems every time I tried to intervene in the affairs of humanity I made it worse. They were not allowed to make mistakes and yet I punished humanity for every mistake that I made. The morals I demanded from humanity not even I could uphold. Not even I could love like I commanded. I tried to force humanity to love me by giving them fear. I am sorry for all the children’s nightmares about the tortures of hell. I am sorry for the agony the parents felt when their children could not adore me anymore, the nightmares of their children suffering in hell. I am sorry for all those death bed moments where the fear of hell could be seen naked in they eyes of those who were dying. I am sorry for their agony, for the fear they suffered. I tried to force humanity to worship me not by merits but by bribery and blackmail, heaven and hell. I am sorry for all the fear I authored. I am sorry for trying to break humans so that they could worship me. I was a tyrant and of the worst kind. I am sorry. My Jesus-plan was a failure, because once again I demanded that people worship me, and *only* me. My Jesus-plan was a sham. I thought if I tortured Jesus enough that I would not want to make anyone else suffer. I was wrong. I still made people suffer. In my dishonesty I tried to hide my tyrant nature and convince people that Satan caused the suffering. I smeared a fallen angel to take the blame for my actions. My Jesus-plan fixed nothing, the world is still the same and people still suffer and die. My PR plan failed.
I am sorry that I made viruses and bacteria, disease and cancer. I thought that if humanity suffered that they would see how small they are and how big I am. I wanted them to see how unimportant they are without me and how very important I am. I wanted their adoration. Millions of innocent children died from painful diseases, diseases that I made. They died because I made mistakes. They died because I wanted to force humanity to love me. They died because I wanted the love I never gave. I am sorry for every natural disaster I ever sent to harm humanity. I now realise that fear is not the fruits of love, that killing people as a lesson to those who survive is not love, nor moral, nor fair, not justice and not divine.
I am sorry for every loving prayer, every honest request that I ignored. I ignored the prayers of those who cried out for me to ease the suffering, on themselves, their neighbours or even their children. I did not heed it because I am god and do not answer to anyone. Yet, they prayed for relief, they prayed in human love and I did nothing because I had none. They were better than I. They begged for relief and compassion while I caused suffering. They begged me to stop making them suffer and I did nothing because someone had to suffer for the imperfections I left behind.
I am sorry that Jesus had to suffer. He suffered for one reason only, because *I* needed to see someone suffer. I could not accept responsibility for my own failures and wanted to see someone else die, to take the blame that belonged to me. Jesus did not die for humanity’s sins, he died for mine.
To this world: I am sorry. I have wronged humanity and this world. I am beyond forgiveness. I am sorry I made you imperfect and then blamed it on you. I am sorry I gave you a nature and then condemned you for having it. I am sorry I tried to force you to worship me by giving you the blackest fear you could imagine. I am sorry I bribed you with heaven. I am sorry I blackmailed you with hell. I am sorry than even to this day people die because of what I wrote in the Bible and I am sorry that to this day I did nothing to fix my mistakes. I am sorry for my own nature, my nature that demands it’s daily dose of suffering in others. I am sorry I demanded on pain of death that you control your nature (that I gave you) and yet I could not control my own. I am sorry that I am imperfect and wanted you to suffer because of it. I am sorry that I am your god because you deserve a better one. You would have been better of without me in the first place. You would have been better off with no god at all.