The Bible for Computer Nerds.

In the beginning the Designer made a computer from nothing. A super computer system. On the first day he built the case. On the second day he built the power supply and the motherboard, and said it was good. On the third day he made the CPU and on the fourth day he made the RAM and hard drives. On the fifth day he made the monitor, keyboard and mouse. Since he forgot to invent electricity he had it outsourced. On the six day he loaded the operating system and created one login. He called it the Paradise ™ computer. On the seventh day he was very impressed with himself, although a bit tired, so he took a nap. When he woke up he remembered that he forgot to include network capability, cursed the B-Spec, waved his magic wand and there it was a complete network system.

The designer gave the access to the new super computer to a user, AdamZone. After a while AdamZone complained about the system. Functionality was severely lacking. There was no email and he was feeling very lonely. So the Designer created another login for user EveCleve and gave them both email rights.

The Designer had not yet heard of privacy rights and installed spyware by default on all the profiles, so that he could know all the users were doing.

The designer placed an icon on their desktops (simple computers that plugs into the Designer’s main Paradise computer) called “ClickMeForACoolGame”. However, he forbid the users, AdamZone and EveCleve to ever click on the icon and said the computer would crash if ever they did. He also stated in no uncertain terms that he would be very pissed off if they ever dared to click the “CoolGame” icon. He even frowned as he warned them, just to make sure they understood his mood. Then he scowled to drive home the point.

After a while EveCleve got a bit bored. Then another user, FakeSnake, myteriously logged in and emailed EveCleve. He said the “CoolGame” icon would not make the computer crash and was in fact a nice game to play. So, EveCleve clicked the icon and played the game. It was a good game. She mailed AdamZone and told him about the cool game. AdamZone clicked the “CoolGame” icon and enjoyd the nice computer game. After a while EveZone complained that AdamZone was playing too much game and told him she felt abandoned. Adamzone said he was just busy with a high score on the game and would mail later.

One day the Designer was going through the usage log on the paradise computer system when he noticed that both AdamZone and EveCleve played the forbidden game. He got really angry, had a mild stroke and was rushed off to hospital. Upon his release from hospital he went to see AdamZone and EveCleve. He was still furious, even after being given some Prozak to calm him down. He revoked many admin rights that AdamZone and EveCleve had, loaded a couple of trojans and viruses on the computer and made some data disappear to punish AdamZone and EveCleve. The Designer also produced a dictionary called “Ten Commandments and ten thousand more” and told AdamZone and EveCleve that if they ever made a spelling mistake they would have to work on a computer without a screen, running DOS 0.8 in the afterlife.

AdamZome and EveCleve were devastated. They both often made spelling mistakes and the Designer forgot to build in a spell checker. However, they invited many friends to join them on the blogs, facebook and the forums and became a big community. ClickMeForACoolGame was placed by the Designer on all the profiles at start-up so that it loaded automatically whenever a new user logged on. This gave the Designer an excuse to be angry with them, by default. Some people said this was a bit unfair but somehow most people thought it was the right thing to do.

After a couple of months the Designer went into one of his usual outburst of rage. The computer was not powerful enough to deal with all the new users and the Designer felt that drastic steps ought to be in order. AdamZone and EveCleve were deleted a month prior due to one of the Designer’s trojans that locked their accounts and then erased all their data hence they were no more. The designer forgot to build in backup utilities but claimed it was designed that way. The designer thought and thought about the resource problem. Too many users on his computer, all of them making spelling mistakes. Horrible! The Designer was obsessed with spelling mistakes and decided to format the hard drive to clear it of all the misspelled words that irked him so much. He had many sleepless nights over all those evil spelling mistakes. Initially the Designer wanted to delete all user profiles but after a couple of drinks he decided to save the profiles of eight people, the most prominent called “Noah_Cyber_Boat”.

So the designer went ahead with his plans. He deleted all the users from the computer and did a format to make sure none of those nasty spelling mistakes survived. He even took the computer and washed it out with real water, just to be sure. Then he reloaded Noah_Cyber_Boat’s profiles as well as the other seven profiles, all friends and family of Noah_Cyber_Boat. The Designer also saved all his favourite trojans and viruses and loaded them with Noah_Cyber_Boat’s profile. It took the computer forty days to dry out. Of course the spelling mistakes soon heaped up again, but the Designer was feeling a bit better and promised not to delete so many profiles by formatting again. As a reminder of his good intentions, the Designer placed a rainbow background on all the desktops. “Never again with a format” the text on the rainbow background said and at the bottom it read “next time the big hammer!” A couple of days later there was a system malfunction and the blogs of two groups, Sodom and Gomorrah were deleted. It turned out to have been the Designer that pressed the “smite” button instead of the “Live and let Live” button. Some people speculated that the Designer missed his Prozak dosage that day and did it all on purpose. Others says he did drink his Prozak but still did it on purpose. Some people claimed that a Gomorrah user looked at her keyboard and was turned into a pillar of salt. Most people however were not aware of any of this.

Over the years many groups arose that differed in their views about the Designer. Some said his name was Jack and others said his name was John. They flamed and mail bombed each other while both groups claimed the Designer was on their side. Some people though this was silly but were soon hacked and deleted by either the Jack or the John groups as heretics. Then another group arose that claimed to have met the Designer, and that her name in fact was Fictionella, and that Fictionelle would delete all the profiles of people who did not believe the Designer’s name was Fictionella. Other people though there must have been more than one designer and some people said the system was so bad that the Designer could not possibly be called a good designer. Another group of people belonging to the Joseph’s Smithy blog claimed to have magical underwear that could protect their computers from some of the nasty computer viruses the Designer made.

One day a wandering hobo gained access to the computer system. By now there was once again millions of logins and profiles. The person logged in under the name “Debugger”. Some made fun of him and called him “TheBugger”. Debugger said that the Designer would smite their logins if people did not listen to him. He had a great plan and explained it to many users on many various forums. When people did not understand his plan he said it was because he was speaking in parables. Some people asked him why and he said it was the wise thing to do. He said he was able to correct all spelling mistakes so that the Designer would not be angry with people anymore and would delete all the nasty trojans he made as punishment for AdamZone and EveCleve’s gaming experience. Debugger’s plan was that his profile would be deleted. He said the Designer would then have vented his anger and forgives all other spelling mistakes ever made. Debugger also claimed that even though it appeared the trojans still affected your software, you just had to believe it was gone. Debugger also said that by using some magic words and prayer you could rid your computer of the viruses and trojans that the Designer designed.

For three days Debugger never logged on to the system. After three days he logged on again and said his plan was completed. It was a bit suspect that he could log in after his account was deleted, but Debugger said it was a miracle and people were happy with the explanation. He said the Designer deleted his account so that no other accounts would have to be deleted and people would not have to work on DOS 0.8 in the afterlife. In fact, Debugger said there was now a super system in the afterlife with Windows Vista loaded, was error free (thus impossible) and would make people very happy. But there was a catch. The people needed to tell all the other people about how great Debugger was and what a fine act he did for humanity. Some people though Debugger was a bit loony, but soon afterwards Debugger had many followers that invaded the critic forums and proclaimed Debugger the best user ever. Debugger said he would one day come back but had to leave because he still had to create many logins on the new Heaven Vista (TM) system and that it would take a couple of months. He did promise all people admin access though so they were prepared to wait. Thus he logged off and his login has since expired, two thousand years ago. Debugger said he would be back quickly. A lot of people says Debugger did not lie, but that his sense of time was screwed so that a thousand years would feel like a single day. Not long after Debugger disappeared from the Computer some companies arose. They gained membership by telling people that Debugger has left them in charge until he came back. A curious practice also arose at this time. Many people gathered in various forums every Sunday morning to send mail to Debuggers lapsed account on how glad they were that Debugger was the cure for spelling mistakes. Some people said this was horrible and wrong, and that Saturday was the correct day for gatherings and spamming. Of course, everyone still made spelling mistakes but now people no longer had to fear DOS 0.8, all thanks to Debugger. However, people said that if you did not thank Debugger you would have to use DOS 0.8. Some people got over enthusiastic and hacked into other accounts, deleting profiles of anti-Debugger people, thinking those people will have to use DOS 0.8 from then onwards, in the afterlife.

The most prominent pro Debugger company was Holy Roman Spam. Holy Roman Spam distributed many emails, telling people how wonderful Debugger was and requested some donations. They also said Debugger preferred they all eat fish on a Friday. After a while a fraud scandal erupted in Holy Roman Spam. The company split and a new company, the HolyTrueSpam was born. Even today many people sometimes knocks on other people’s doors at eight o clock on a Sunday morning to sell spam pamphlets and tell people about the virtues of HolyTrueJohSpam Version 65393847509876.91234. All the Spam companies claim to be the One True Spam ™ endorsed by Debugger. They also ask for substantial financial support in the form of donations. The promise was that all donations would be returned with interest, in the afterlife, by Debugger himself. Many people are very happy about this and dream about all the games they would be able to buy with all the interest they earn from their donation money. Some Spam companies actually convinced some people they had to pay licence fees to be on the free big Computer. Amounts differed of course, but 10% of total income was considered the amount that would support the Designer’s monthly Prozak bill.

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7 Responses to “The Bible for Computer Nerds.”

  1. Renier said

    Hi Melanie. Thanks. I must admit, I was a bit startled to see a comment from you here. Hope things are well.

  2. Yes, I miss our discussions. I guess it’s harder to keep them going once we begin dealing with things we agree on!

    How long have you been blogging “The Word of the Blog”?

  3. Renier said

    It was a good discussion eh? 🙂

    This blog has not been here that long. We erected it a while ago so that we had a platform when we wanted to discuss something, publish a written piece or let others know what is happening. In total I think we are four contributors. It has been a bit quiet.

    If you do feel the need to discuss a certain topic, I would be happy to start a thread for you.

  4. Is there a way to subscribe to this blog? I don’t see that option anywhere, but maybe that’s because it’s a one-column WordPress format. I think I had the same issue when I was using a one-column template. I switched to two-column, and then my subscription form appeared in the right-hand column.

    Anyway, I know you don’t post here very often, but I wouldn’t mind receiving an alert whenever you do!

  5. Renier said

    It is on our New Year wish list. Blog master promised to look into it. Thanks 🙂

  6. i like computer games that are first person shooting and strategy games .

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